“I Don’t Know What to Feel Anymore:” Navigating the Emotional Aftermath of an Affair

The Emotional Whiplash Is Real

If you’ve just found out about an affair, or if you’re the one who disclosed it, chances are your emotions feel like they’re ricocheting in every direction. One moment you’re numb, the next you’re angry, and then suddenly you’re longing for the relationship you thought you had. This is normal. Messy, painful—but normal.

Affair recovery is an emotional earthquake. It shakes your sense of reality, your view of your partner, and often your very sense of self. So if you’re wondering “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get a grip?”—please know, you’re not broken. You’re responding to real relational trauma.

Naming the Chaos Helps

The betrayed partner often feels grief, rage, shame, confusion, and a desperate need for answers. Many clients tell me they feel like they’re “going crazy,” especially when their reactions seem out of character. But these are trauma responses. Your nervous system is trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense.

Meanwhile, the partner who had the affair may be dealing with guilt, panic, fear of losing the relationship, or defensiveness. Some feel deep regret and want to repair. Others feel overwhelmed by their partner’s pain and aren’t sure what to do next.

These emotions are often happening at completely different speeds and intensities—and that mismatch can make the first phase of healing even harder.

Affair Recovery Comes in Waves

Here’s what I often tell couples: you don’t have to “feel better” right away. The goal early on is to not feel worse. Stabilization is the first step in recovery.

You may notice some common emotional waves:

• Shock and disbelief: “This can’t be real.”

• Hypervigilance: Checking phones, retracing steps, replaying events.

• Rage or anger: Often unpredictable, often overwhelming.

• Grief: Mourning the relationship you thought you had.

• Hope and affection: Moments where you feel closeness again, and then question yourself for feeling it.

• Despair: Wondering if the pain will ever end or if the relationship can survive.

None of these feelings are permanent, even if they feel all-consuming in the moment. You don’t have to decide the future of your relationship when you’re in survival mode. You just need to stabilize and start to understand what’s happening inside you.

What Helps (And What Doesn’t)

In the early stages of affair recovery, here are a few practices that can support you emotionally:

• Limit high-conflict conversations
  You don’t need to solve everything today. Focus on short, structured conversations with breaks if emotions spike.

• Avoid unilateral decision-making
  If you’re leaning toward ending the relationship, that’s okay—but don’t make big moves in the heat of trauma. Therapy can help create space to process before acting.

• Track your internal experience
  Keep a journal, voice notes, or a simple list of what you’re feeling. This helps make sense of emotional fluctuations over time.

• Let support in
  Friends, family, or a therapist—someone safe who won’t shame your emotions or pressure you to move faster than you’re ready.

• Watch for emotional flooding
  If your body feels like it’s spinning, shaking, or shutting down, that’s a sign to pause and use grounding techniques (deep breaths, touch points, walking, etc.).

And just as importantly—what doesn’t help:

• Pressuring yourself (or your partner) to "move on"

• Seeking constant reassurance while avoiding therapy

• Retraumatizing each other with interrogations or stonewalling

• Isolating from all sources of care

There’s a Path Forward

You don’t need to feel certain about the future in order to start healing. You only need to commit to being present with yourself in this moment. Therapy can provide a place to do that safely—without pressure to reconcile or separate before you’re ready.

We work with couples and individuals who are reeling from betrayal. We also know how to hold space for both people in the room—without shame, without sides, and without minimizing what’s been lost.

You Don’t Have to Figure It All Out Today

If you're feeling overwhelmed and unsure how to move forward, we’re here to walk with you. One step, one emotion, one conversation at a time. Call today to schedule with one of our specialty-trained therapists in affair recovery and begin the process of healing—even if you're still not sure what that looks like yet.