Attachment Wounds Aren’t Just from Childhood: How They Show Up in Your Marriage
When we talk about attachment wounds, we often think about early life—how we were raised, who showed up for us, and what we learned about safety and love. But what many couples don’t realize is that attachment injuries happen in adult relationships too. Especially in long-term partnerships, where we’re at our most vulnerable, wounds can form quietly—through missed bids, broken trust, unresolved conflict, or moments of disconnection that go unspoken.
If your relationship feels emotionally distant or if your arguments leave you feeling more alone than connected, you may be dealing with unhealed attachment pain. But the good news is: it can be repaired.
What Is an Attachment Wound?
An attachment wound happens when one partner is emotionally or physically unavailable during a moment of need, and the other partner walks away from that experience feeling alone, unimportant, or unsafe.
It could sound like:
“I was trying to tell you how overwhelmed I felt, and you looked at your phone.”
“When I reached out for support, you shut me down—or worse, walked away.”
“After that betrayal, I needed reassurance and you acted like nothing happened.”
It’s not always a big betrayal. Sometimes it’s a series of small moments that send a message: “I can’t count on you.”
How This Shows Up in Marriage
Attachment injuries don’t stay isolated. They show up in your everyday dynamic:
You may avoid conflict, even when something matters to you.
You might feel needy or ashamed for wanting closeness.
One partner might pursue with urgency while the other pulls away.
You might replay old fights in your head, searching for the moment it all went wrong.
These patterns are not proof your relationship is broken. They’re signs that you care deeply—and that something needs repair.
Why This Isn’t Just About the Past
Even if your partner didn’t cause your original wounds, those experiences still shape how you respond now. When someone you love reminds you of a time you felt dismissed, rejected, or abandoned, your nervous system may light up with old fear.
And when that fear goes unspoken, it can look like defensiveness, withdrawal, or even criticism.
This is where many couples get stuck—not because they don’t love each other, but because they don’t understand the why behind their reactions.
What We Do in Therapy
In couples therapy, we help you:
Identify the unmet needs underneath repeated arguments
Understand how past experiences are being activated in current conflict
Revisit painful moments with support and safety
Learn how to respond to your partner’s vulnerability with care—not reactivity
Build new patterns of turning toward instead of away
When couples begin to understand their emotional blueprint, it’s easier to have compassion for both themselves and their partner.
A Real Moment of Repair
Imagine a partner saying:
“When I told you I felt lonely and you changed the subject, I felt like I didn’t matter. I know it wasn’t your intention, but it still hurt.”
And the other responding:
“I didn’t realize I did that. I can see how that landed for you. I want to be someone you can turn to—I’m listening now.”
That’s repair. Not perfection. Not endless apologies. Just presence, vulnerability, and a willingness to grow.
You’re Not Too Far Gone
Attachment wounds are painful, but they aren’t final. With the right support, couples can heal—sometimes even becoming stronger because of the work they’ve done together.
If your relationship is carrying old hurt or unresolved disconnection, couples therapy can help you both feel safer, closer, and more emotionally attuned.