He Made Me Yell, She Made Me Shut Down": Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Conflict
Have you ever been in an argument with your partner where things escalate so quickly that you don’t even remember how it started? One moment you’re discussing something small, and the next, you’re both yelling, saying hurtful things, or shutting down completely. This is what Dr. Bill Doherty calls a flare-flare—a situation where both partners react intensely, fueling the fire of the argument rather than diffusing it.
Understanding this dynamic can help you and your partner learn how to de-escalate conflict and engage with each other in a healthier, more connected way.
What Happens in a Flare-Flare?
A flare-flare occurs when both partners engage in reactive, emotionally driven responses rather than intentional, mindful communication. Instead of one person choosing to engage without employing Gottman’s Four Horsemen, they both engage and use criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and/or stonewalling to feed off of each other’s heightened emotions, leading to an argument that quickly spirals out of control.
Common Examples of a Flare-Flare in Relationships
A disagreement turns personal: One partner forgets to pick up something from the store. The other reacts with frustration: “You never listen to me!” Instead of responding with understanding, the partner fires back, “Well, you forget things too!” The conversation shifts from solving a problem to attacking each other’s character.
Defensiveness fuels the fire: One person expresses hurt about something their partner did. The partner, instead of listening, responds defensively: “You’re always blaming me!” This leads to a cycle where neither partner feels heard.
Escalation of emotions and tone: One partner raises their voice, the other matches it. Soon, both are shouting, and the actual issue gets lost in the emotional storm.
When couples fall into this pattern, they often justify their reactions by pointing to their partner’s behavior: "I wouldn’t have yelled if they hadn’t been so dismissive." Or "I only reacted that way because they were so aggressive."
The problem? This way of thinking takes self-responsibility out of the equation.
The Key to Breaking the Flare-Flare Cycle: Self-Responsibility
One of the most powerful shifts a couple can make is recognizing that each person always has a choice in how they respond. Even if your partner is raising their voice or being defensive, you still have agency over how you engage.
Instead of getting swept up in the intensity, ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What choices do I have in how I respond?
Am I escalating or de-escalating this moment?
What would help me and my partner feel heard rather than attacked?
When partners in conflict pause to reflect on their own reactions, they create space for differentiation—the ability to hold onto oneself while staying emotionally present in the relationship.
Assertive Communication: The Alternative to Passive or Aggressive Responses
Many couples believe they have only two options in conflict:
Defend and fight for their integrity (aggressive approach)
Give in and avoid conflict (passive approach)
However, there’s a third and much healthier option: assertive communication.
Assertiveness means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully—without attacking or withdrawing. It allows both partners to feel heard and maintain emotional safety.
How to Practice Assertive Communication in Heated Moments
Use “I” statements instead of accusations:
Instead of “You never listen to me!”
Try “I feel unheard when I bring up something important and don’t get a response.”
Take a pause before reacting: When emotions run high, step away for a moment to collect your thoughts before responding.
Validate each other’s emotions: You don’t have to agree with your partner to acknowledge their feelings. A simple “I can see why that upset you” can shift the tone of a conversation.
Focus on the bigger picture: Is the goal of this conversation to win, or is it to strengthen the relationship? Keep perspective on what truly matters.
Recognizing the Triggers Behind the Flare-Flare
Many flare-ups stem from deeper issues beneath the surface, such as:
Lack of emotional connection
Unclear roles in the relationship (Who handles what responsibilities?)
Loyalty concerns or trust issues
Feeling unappreciated or unseen
When flare-flares happen, it’s helpful to ask:
Is this argument really about the dishes, or does it represent something deeper?
What patterns do we keep falling into?
How can we address the root issue rather than just the symptom?
Learning New Ways to Respond
Shifting out of the flare-flare pattern takes practice, but it’s possible with self-awareness and intentional communication. The next time you and your partner feel a conflict heating up, try slowing things down, owning your part, and choosing assertive over reactive communication.
If you find yourselves stuck in the same cycles of escalation, couples therapy can help you learn new skills and tools to break free from these destructive patterns. You don’t have to stay caught in flare-flares—there’s a better way forward.
Ready to Improve Your Conflict Patterns?
If you and your partner struggle with flare-flares, we can help. Our trained therapists specialize in helping couples learn healthier ways to communicate, de-escalate conflicts, and build stronger, more connected relationships. Schedule a session today to start making real changes in how you handle conflict.