How to Stop Saying Things You Regret
Part 1 of 10 in the “Managing Impulsivity” Series
We’ve all had moments where words come out faster than we meant them to—sharp, defensive, sarcastic, or just plain cruel. And in the heat of conflict with our partner, those impulsive reactions can cut deep.
But here’s what many couples don’t realize:
Impulsivity in relationships isn’t a character flaw. It’s a regulation skill.
It’s something we can learn. Practice. Strengthen.
And it starts with slowing down—before we speed past what matters most.
Why We Say Things We Regret
In the Gottman Method, we talk about flooding—the moment your nervous system goes into fight, flight, or freeze during conflict. Your heart rate spikes. Your thoughts race. Your face tightens. And your ability to communicate clearly? It tanks.
Flooding activates your survival brain, not your relational brain. That’s why:
You say things you don’t mean
You defend instead of listen
You shut down, lash out, or walk away
You react to tone, not content
You lose sight of the goal: connection, not conquest
If you’ve ever walked away from an argument thinking, “Why did I say that?”—you’re not alone. You were likely flooded, and your impulse took over.
The Myth of “Just Take a Deep Breath”
You’ve probably been told to breathe, count to ten, or calm down. And those can be helpful—but not if they’re used to stuff your feelings or avoid the real work.
What works better?
Learning to recognize when you’re too flooded to keep going—and honoring the need to pause.
This is what we teach in couples therapy: how to identify the early signs of flooding and practice intentional interruption—not as avoidance, but as a way to stabilize and regroup before repair becomes harder.
“Pause. Notice. Choose. That’s how change begins.”
What Pausing Looks Like in Real Life
Here’s how this might sound in the moment:
“I care about what we’re talking about, but I’m starting to shut down. Can we take a break and come back to this?”
“I’m getting defensive and I don’t want to. I need to pause and regulate.”
“I can feel my heart racing—can I take ten minutes and then reconnect with you?”
And after the break? You come back. That’s what makes the pause safe. That’s what builds trust.
Because impulsivity often comes from fear: If I don’t say it now, I’ll never get to.
But healthy relationships teach us that pauses aren’t abandonment—they’re repair in progress.
Pause. Notice. Choose. That’s how change begins.
Tools for the Pause
In Gottman Method Couples Therapy, we give couples practical tools to manage impulsivity and stay emotionally safe, including:
The Aftermath of a Fight worksheet
The Repair Checklist for in-the-moment softening
Self-soothing practices: grounding, movement, paced breathing
Setting up conflict rituals that include agreed-upon pause language
The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict—it’s to transform it into something that builds the relationship rather than eroding it.
When Impulsivity Has Become the Pattern
If impulsive reactions are frequent—yelling, name-calling, threats, defensiveness—it’s likely part of a deeper cycle. And it may not change just by learning techniques. Couples therapy can help uncover:
The beliefs underneath your reactivity
The attachment fears that get activated
The patterns that keep pulling you apart
The values you want to live out, even during conflict
Because what you say in the moment matters—but who you’re becoming in those moments matters even more.
Let Stability Lead the Way
Managing impulsivity in your relationship isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about creating new rhythms—ones that help you pause, notice what’s happening, and choose how you want to respond.
You don’t have to keep reacting on instinct. You can grow by creating patterns that hold you steady.
If you’re ready to stop saying things you regret and start communicating in a way that builds connection, we’re here to help. Our couples therapists are trained in evidence-based tools to help you develop emotional safety and healthier conflict. Schedule a session today.