When One Partner Has Low Desire: How to Move From Stuck to Curious
Desire isn’t always about frequency. Sometimes, it’s about disconnection, disappointment, or even fear. If you or your partner has a lower interest in sex than the other, you may already know how quickly this can turn into a cycle of blame, pressure, avoidance, and shame. The more one person wants, the more the other may feel inadequate or overwhelmed. The more one person withdraws, the more the other may feel rejected or resentful. And soon, the real issue isn’t just sex—it’s what sex seems to symbolize: closeness, worth, power, safety.
So how do you break this pattern?
Not by forcing sex. And not by ignoring the pain of disconnection, either.
The first step is getting curious.
Low Desire Isn’t Just a “Problem to Fix”
Too often, couples approach low desire as something that needs to be “solved”—and quickly. But desire is a signal, not a flaw. It can be impacted by everything from stress to hormones to how safe or pursued someone feels in the relationship. For many, low desire is a protective response. If your body or nervous system doesn’t feel safe, it makes sense that it would shut down interest in vulnerability, even if your head still wants connection.
For others, low desire may be the result of dynamics that go unspoken: feeling unseen, having mismatched sexual scripts, or carrying past pain that hasn’t been named. There’s no one cause, and no one-size-fits-all solution. But there is a way forward.
Shift the Goal From “More Sex” to “More Understanding”
The pressure to have more sex rarely increases true desire. In fact, it usually has the opposite effect. That’s because pressure turns something intimate into something obligatory. Instead, a healthier goal is to better understand the meanings, feelings, and needs that live underneath the surface.
Some helpful questions to explore together or in therapy:
What does sex mean to each of us? Comfort? Pleasure? Closeness? Reassurance?
What do we each fear when sex doesn’t happen?
How do we tend to react to rejection—and what stories do we tell ourselves in those moments?
What does a “yes” look like for each of us? What does safety feel like?
By focusing on these questions, you begin to build emotional intimacy—not just physical closeness. And that’s often where real desire begins to grow.
Turn Toward the Low-Desire Partner With Curiosity, Not Criticism
When you’re the higher-desire partner, it can feel lonely and even confusing. But criticism, ultimatums, or withdrawal won’t create connection. They often shut it down. Instead, try saying, “I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about what feels good and safe for you right now?” or “What helps you feel more open or connected lately?”
If you’re the lower-desire partner, you might carry guilt, frustration, or even numbness. You may have spent years wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” Let me be clear: There is nothing broken about you. Your body and mind are speaking in a language of protection. The goal isn’t to force yourself into sex—but to create conditions where your “yes” can emerge authentically and safely.
Normalize Different Styles of Desire
Not all desire looks the same. Some people experience spontaneous desire—feeling aroused out of the blue. Others experience responsive desire—feeling interest after touch, closeness, or erotic cues begin. Neither is wrong. But many couples get stuck when they assume desire should always happen before intimacy begins.
Responsive desire often needs context—like rest, emotional safety, or even laughter. If that sounds like you or your partner, try scheduling time not for sex, but for connection. Think: cuddling, showering together, giving a massage, or just slowing down and sharing music. You’re not “failing” at intimacy if desire takes time to warm up.
Create Safety for Desire to Grow
Desire can’t thrive in fear, pressure, or performance. What it can grow in is safety. This includes:
Emotional safety (Can I say no and still be loved?)
Physical safety (Does my body feel respected and at ease?)
Relational safety (Can I bring my full self, including what I don’t yet understand?)
In therapy, we often help couples develop “micro-consent” skills—small, attuned ways to check in and attune to each other’s experience without pushing for a specific outcome. This helps shift the dynamic from performance to presence.
Reconnecting Through the Door of Compassion
At the heart of healing a desire discrepancy is compassion—for yourself, your partner, and your shared story. You may not be able to change your wiring overnight, but you can begin rewriting the way you respond to one another. Every time you choose curiosity over criticism, every time you invite instead of insist, you’re practicing the kind of intimacy that desire loves to grow in.
Let’s Explore What Desire Could Look Like for You
You don’t have to figure this out on your own—or keep having the same painful conversations that go nowhere. If you’d like support making sense of your desire differences and rebuilding a connected, meaningful sex life, we’d love to walk with you.
Schedule a session with one of our trained sex therapists and start a new kind of conversation—one grounded in curiosity, not pressure.