Are You Really There for Me? The Attachment Questions Every Partner Asks
No matter how strong, independent, or logical we are, we all carry the same core longing in love: to feel safe, seen, and supported by the person we choose. And in the hardest moments—during conflict, betrayal, or emotional distance—what we’re really asking is this:
Are you there for me?
Do I matter to you?
Will you turn toward me instead of away?
These aren’t surface-level questions. They’re attachment questions—and they shape how we connect, how we argue, how we love, and how we recover.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and in the broader work we do with couples at Insights Counseling Center, helping partners name and answer these questions is one of the most powerful paths to healing.
What Happens When These Questions Go Unspoken?
When couples don’t know how to voice their attachment needs directly, the longing doesn’t go away—it just shows up sideways:
In criticism: “You never listen to me.”
In defensiveness: “I don’t do anything right, do I?”
In withdrawal: “I’m fine. Whatever.”
In pursuit: “We need to talk. Now.”
Underneath these patterns are the same unmet needs:
“I need to know you’re with me.”
“I need to know I still matter.”
Without the safety to speak from that vulnerable place, many couples get caught in cycles of protest and protection.
The Power of Naming the Need
When partners learn to identify and express their attachment longings—not just their complaints—everything begins to shift. For example:
Instead of: “You never make time for me.”
Try: “When we don’t connect, I start to feel like I don’t matter to you.”Instead of: “Why do you always shut down?”
Try: “When you pull away, I feel alone—and I’m not sure how to reach you.”
These statements move the conversation out of blame and into vulnerability. And vulnerability is what makes real repair possible.
The Three Core Attachment Questions
According to Dr. Sue Johnson and attachment theory research, every partner is asking:
Are you accessible?
Can I reach you when I need you?Are you responsive?
Will you tune in and care when I’m hurting or scared?Are you engaged?
Will you stay close and emotionally present with me—not just physically, but fully?
When these questions go unanswered, it’s not just the relationship that suffers—it’s each partner’s sense of emotional stability. But when the answers become clear, trust and connection begin to deepen.
What We Do in Therapy
In couples therapy, we help you:
Recognize the cycle you’re stuck in—and the deeper needs beneath it
Learn how to slow down enough to speak vulnerably, not reactively
Rebuild safety one conversation at a time
Practice turning toward each other with empathy instead of defensiveness
You don’t have to be fluent in emotional language to do this work. You just have to be willing to let your guard down long enough to say, “This matters to me.”
Your Questions Are Not Too Much—They’re the Starting Point
Every strong relationship is built on small moments of reassurance: “Yes, I see you. I’m here. I still choose you.”
If you’ve been craving that reassurance but haven’t known how to ask for it—or if you feel like your partner has stopped asking altogether—we’re here to help.
At Insights Counseling Center, our therapists are trained to help you and your partner uncover the attachment questions that have been driving your disconnection. And we’ll help you learn how to answer them with presence, not just words. Call today to schedule.