Gottman’s Trust Metric: Why Trust Needs Constant Tending
In the Gottman Method, trust isn’t treated as a vague emotional concept. It’s something observable. Measurable. Built—or broken—in hundreds of tiny moments.
That might sound overwhelming. But it’s actually hopeful.
Because it means you don’t have to wait for a crisis to rebuild trust—or hope it magically returns after a rupture. You can start tending to it in the everyday rhythm of your relationship, beginning right where you are.
What the Gottmans Discovered About Trust
Drs. John and Julie Gottman studied thousands of couples to understand what creates lasting connection. What they found was this:
Trust isn’t the result of big, dramatic moments.
It’s the accumulation of small moments where one partner turns toward the other—and the other responds.
These moments are called bids for connection. They can be as simple as a sigh, a shared meme, or a casual “Did you see that?” from across the room.
Every bid is an opportunity to build trust.
And every time a bid is ignored, dismissed, or met with criticism? That’s a missed deposit—or even a withdrawal—from what the Gottmans call your emotional bank account.
Trust Is a Running Total
In the Gottman Method, trust is not a binary: either you have it or you don’t. It’s a running total, like a ledger. And every interaction—every bid, every repair, every fight—adds or subtracts from that total.
What builds trust:
Turning toward your partner’s bids for connection
Following through on small promises
Repairing after conflict with accountability and empathy
Being emotionally available, especially during stress
Creating shared rituals of connection
What erodes it:
Criticism, defensiveness, and contempt
Failing to repair after a fight
Dismissing your partner’s emotions
Withdrawing or shutting down when they reach for you
Inconsistency—saying one thing, doing another
That’s why trust needs constant tending. Not because your relationship is fragile, but because it’s alive.
The Sound Relationship House Depends on Trust
One of the Gottmans’ core tools is the Sound Relationship House—a model for how healthy relationships are built, step by step. Trust and commitment form the walls that hold it all together.
Without trust, every part of the house feels shaky:
Love Maps become outdated
Fondness and admiration wither
Conflict turns toxic
Shared dreams are never spoken
But with trust as the steady support, couples can handle hard things—because the bond between them is secure.
Repair Is the Cornerstone
Even the healthiest couples mess up. They snap. They miss bids. They misread signals. What matters isn’t whether mistakes happen—it’s whether partners know how to repair.
Repair sounds like:
“That came out wrong. Let me try again.”
“I got defensive and didn’t really hear you—can we go back?”
“I see I hurt you, and I want to understand.”
These moments build trust from the inside out. They send the message: I care about how I affect you. I’m safe enough to admit when I’ve missed the mark. You can trust me to try again.
“Trust isn’t something you get
—it’s something you build,
one choice at a time.”
Practice Makes Safety
If you’ve been through betrayal, disconnection, or a history of relational injury, these habits may not come naturally. That’s okay.
The Gottman Method is designed to help couples practice the skills of emotional attunement and repair until trust becomes a way of life—not just a moment of relief.
Daily trust habits you can begin:
Ask open-ended questions to update your Love Maps
Share one appreciation every day
Notice your partner’s bids—and respond
Use gentle start-up when bringing up a concern
End the day with a stress-reducing conversation
None of these require a major overhaul. But over time, they create a felt sense of safety that transforms the relationship from the inside out.
From the Inside Out
Trust isn’t just a hope—it’s a practice. A process of being someone your partner can depend on, moment by moment. In the Gottman Method, that means showing up consistently, repairing thoughtfully, and building a culture of emotional safety that lasts.
We recognize trust by being trustworthy. And it starts in the small, steady ways we show up.
If your relationship feels stuck, our team includes Certified Gottman Therapists and trained Gottman Method clinicians who can help you rebuild your foundation. Schedule a session today and take the next step—from the inside out.