Saying No Without Shame: The Role of Assertiveness in Emotional Health
Many couples struggle not because they’re unwilling to meet each other’s needs—but because they don’t know how to name them without conflict, guilt, or confusion.
You may have grown up learning that saying “no” is rude.
That asking for what you want is selfish.
That having a preference is a problem.
But in a healthy relationship, the opposite is true: the clearer you are about your limits, the safer the relationship becomes.
This is where assertiveness matters—not the kind that bulldozes, but the kind that says, “Here’s what I need. Here’s what matters to me. And here’s how we can stay connected.”
What Assertiveness Is (and What It’s Not)
Assertiveness is often misunderstood as aggressive or harsh. But in the Gottman Method, we view assertiveness as a healthy expression of emotional and relational boundaries.
Assertiveness is:
Direct, but respectful
Clear, but not controlling
Focused on your own needs, not your partner’s flaws
A way to strengthen connection—not win arguments
It is not defensiveness, blaming, withdrawing, or manipulation.
DEAR MAN: A Tool for Boundaried Communication
One of the best tools we use with couples to teach assertiveness is DEAR MAN, a DBT-based skill we integrate into Gottman-informed work.
It helps partners communicate needs in a way that is:
Describe: “When we’re running late…”
Express: “I feel anxious and overlooked.”
Assert: “I need us to plan buffer time before we leave.”
Reinforce: “That would help me feel more supported.”
Mindful: Stay on topic
Appear confident: Don’t shrink or escalate
Negotiate: Stay open to finding a solution together
Using DEAR MAN helps couples speak up without shaming—and set boundaries without shutting down.
Why Boundaries Without Assertiveness Fall Apart
Many people set internal boundaries (“I won’t tolerate this anymore”)—but never say them out loud.
Or they set them with anger, fear, or blame—and they’re quickly dismissed.
Or they backpedal when the other person gets upset.
That’s why boundaries need assertiveness to hold.
Assertiveness is what turns intention into action. It’s what makes a boundary relational—not just personal.
What Assertiveness Sounds Like in Real Couples
“I need to stop this conversation now, but I want to come back to it.”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need a moment before I respond.”
“It’s important to me that we follow through on what we agreed to.”
“When I feel brushed off, I start to shut down. I need us to slow down and revisit this.”
Each of these examples communicates a boundary and a desire to stay connected.
This is how couples stop walking on eggshells and start walking toward each other.
“Boundaries begin inside you—
but assertiveness is how they reach the relationship.”
Assertiveness Protects the Relationship
Saying no isn’t rejection. Expressing needs isn’t selfish.
When you can do both with care, you build a relationship where emotional honesty and boundaries protect the love between you—not threaten it.
If you and your partner struggle with conflict, avoidance, or resentment, our therapists can help you build the skills that make room for clarity and connection.
Assertiveness is a learned skill—and one of the most powerful gifts you can offer your relationship.