Power Imbalance #3: The Emotional Pursuer and the Emotional Avoider
Some couples don’t struggle with decisions or finances as much as they struggle with when and how emotions are allowed into the relationship.
One partner wants to talk things through. They bring up concerns, ask questions, and try to process feelings together. The other partner tends to shut down, change the subject, or say, “Can we talk about this later?”
Over time, this difference can turn into a powerful emotional imbalance:
one partner becomes the pursuer of connection, and the other becomes the avoider of emotional intensity.
And without realizing it, the partner who avoids often ends up holding the emotional power—because they control when and whether important conversations happen at all.
What This Dynamic Looks Like
In this pattern, one partner tends to:
Bring up relationship concerns
Want to process feelings together
Ask questions like, “Can we talk about this?”
Seek reassurance or clarity
Feel anxious when issues are unresolved
The other partner tends to:
Shut down or withdraw during emotional conversations
Say, “I don’t want to fight.”
Delay or avoid difficult topics
Change the subject
Need space when emotions get intense
At first, these differences may not feel like a problem.
One partner is more emotionally expressive. The other is more reserved.
But over time, this difference becomes a pattern of pursuit and withdrawal.
How It Feels on the Pursuer’s Side
The partner who pursues emotional connection often starts with a desire for closeness.
They may think:
“I just want us to talk this through.”
“We need to deal with this.”
“I want to feel closer to you.”
“I can’t relax until we resolve this.”
But as the pattern continues, the emotional experience often shifts.
They may begin to feel:
Anxious when issues go unaddressed
Rejected when their partner withdraws
Desperate to be heard
Alone in caring about the relationship
Like they have to chase connection
Their efforts to talk may grow more intense, more frequent, or more urgent.
And the more they pursue, the more their partner tends to withdraw.
How It Feels on the Avoider’s Side
The partner who withdraws is often not trying to control the relationship.
They’re usually trying to protect it—or protect themselves.
They may think:
“This is getting too heated.”
“I don’t want to make things worse.”
“Nothing I say is going to help.”
“I just need some space to calm down.”
“Why does everything have to be such a big conversation?”
Emotionally, they may feel:
Overwhelmed
Pressured
Criticized or attacked
Afraid of saying the wrong thing
Like they can’t get it right
So they step back. They get quiet. They avoid the conversation.
And in doing so, they unintentionally gain the emotional power—because the relationship can’t move forward until they re-engage.
How This Pattern Quietly Forms
This dynamic often grows from very human differences.
Nervous system responses
One partner moves toward connection under stress.
The other moves away to regulate.
Family-of-origin patterns
One partner grew up in a home where emotions were discussed openly.
The other grew up where conflict felt unsafe or overwhelming.
Gender or cultural conditioning
Some people are socialized to express emotions. Others are taught to suppress or avoid them.
Early relationship habits
At the beginning, one partner pursued and the other stepped back.
The roles slowly solidified into a predictable pattern.
Neither partner is “wrong.”
They are simply using different strategies to manage stress and connection.
The Hidden Cost to the Relationship
Over time, this pattern creates emotional distance and resentment on both sides.
The pursuer may start to feel:
Unimportant
Alone in the relationship
Desperate for connection
Like they’re “too much”
The avoider may start to feel:
Constantly criticized
Emotionally exhausted
Like nothing they do is good enough
Trapped in endless conversations
The relationship becomes a loop:
The more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws.
And the more one withdraws, the more the other pursues.
Both partners feel powerless in different ways.
How This Dynamic Often Affects Sexual Connection
This pursue–withdraw pattern doesn’t just affect conversations.
It often shows up in the couple’s sexual relationship as well.
When emotional connection feels strained, sex can become:
Tense
Avoided
Mechanical
Pressured
Or completely absent
In the early stages of this dynamic, the pursuing partner may reach for sex as a way to feel close again. But over time—especially if emotional needs remain unmet—the emotional pursuer often begins to withdraw sexually.
Sex no longer feels like connection.
It starts to feel:
Hollow
Performative
Unsafe
Or disconnected from the real issues in the relationship
Meanwhile, the more emotionally avoidant partner may be confused by this shift. They may experience sexual rejection without fully understanding the emotional disconnection underneath it.
In many marriages, sexual struggles are not really about technique, frequency, or attraction. They’re about emotional safety and connection.
So if sex has become strained or distant in your relationship, it’s often worth asking:
What is happening emotionally between us?
Do we feel safe bringing up hard things?
Are we stuck in a pursue–withdraw cycle?
Sometimes the most powerful way to improve your sex life isn’t to focus on intercourse at all.
It’s to rebuild emotional connection, safety, and responsiveness in everyday interactions.
When emotional closeness grows, sexual connection often follows.
What a Healthier Emotional Balance Looks Like
A balanced emotional relationship doesn’t mean both partners process feelings the same way. Differences are normal.
What matters is mutual emotional accessibility.
In a healthier dynamic:
The pursuer learns to soften their approach.
The avoider learns to stay emotionally present.
Both partners feel safer during hard conversations.
Emotional discussions happen at a pace that works for both people.
Neither partner feels chased or cornered.
Instead of pursuit and withdrawal, the relationship begins to feel more like approach and response.
Gentle Reflection Questions
You might consider:
Who usually brings up emotional or relational concerns?
Who tends to shut down or walk away?
Do emotional conversations feel safe—or overwhelming?
Do either of us feel chased or cornered?
What happens when one of us needs space?
These questions aren’t about assigning blame.
They’re about understanding the dance you may be caught in together.
Change Is Possible
This pursue–avoidance pattern is one of the most common dynamics in long-term relationships. And it’s also one of the most treatable.
When couples learn how to:
Slow down emotional conversations
Regulate their nervous systems
Speak with more softness and clarity
Stay present instead of shutting down
…they often experience a powerful shift.
The relationship begins to feel:
Safer
Calmer
More connected
Less reactive
More emotionally secure
What once felt like a tug-of-war becomes a place where both partners can show up and be heard.
If You’re Ready for a More Balanced Partnership
If one of you feels like you’re always chasing emotional connection while the other feels overwhelmed or shut down, you don’t have to stay stuck in that pattern.
In couples therapy, we help partners understand this pursue–withdraw dynamic and build new ways of talking, listening, and staying emotionally present with each other. And when emotional connection begins to grow, many couples also see meaningful shifts in their sexual relationship.
If intimacy has been strained, you can also learn more about our approach to Sex Therapy at Insights Counseling Center, where we help couples rebuild safety, desire, and connection at a pace that honors both partners.
When you’re ready, support is available.