Power Imbalance #7: The One Who Threatens Leaving and the One Who Fears Loss
Some power imbalances aren’t about money, decisions, or the mental load.
They’re about security.
In some relationships, one partner holds the upper hand simply because they appear more willing to leave. They may say it directly—“Maybe we should just divorce”—or imply it—walking out, going silent, threatening separation, or routinely questioning whether the relationship will last.
The other partner becomes the one who fears loss. They work harder, apologize faster, shrink their needs, or walk on eggshells to keep the relationship stable.
This dynamic can be obvious or subtle, and it is incredibly painful on both sides:
the one who threatens leaving and the one who fears loss.
And I want to name something important: sometimes people threaten leaving because they’re trying to control. And sometimes they do it because they feel trapped, scared, or hopeless and don’t know how else to express pain.
Either way, this pattern creates an uneven relationship—because fear is not a foundation for intimacy.
What This Dynamic Looks Like
The “leaver” (or threatener) may:
Threaten divorce or separation during conflict
Walk out mid-conversation
Go silent for long periods
Use language like “I’m done” or “I can’t do this anymore”
Keep one foot out the door emotionally
Avoid commitment conversations or future planning
The “loss-fearer” may:
Over-apologize to calm things down
Avoid bringing up issues
Work hard to keep the peace
Accept less than they need
Feel anxious, clingy, or constantly on alert
Feel like they have to earn the relationship back
This imbalance can become a chronic atmosphere:
one partner feels unstable, and the other partner feels powerful without even trying.
How It Feels on the Partner Who Fears Loss
The partner who fears loss often lives in a state of emotional vigilance.
They may think:
“If I say the wrong thing, they’ll leave.”
“I need to fix this quickly.”
“I can’t handle another rupture.”
“I’m always one argument away from losing us.”
Over time, they may begin to:
Minimize their needs
Avoid conflict at all costs
Overfunction emotionally
Seek constant reassurance
Feel like they’re begging for stability
And the most painful part is that the relationship begins to feel like a test they can’t pass.
They may become less themselves—more careful, more anxious, less honest—because honesty feels too risky.
How It Feels on the Partner Who Threatens Leaving
The partner who threatens leaving may feel misunderstood in a different way.
They may think:
“Nothing changes.”
“I’ve tried everything.”
“I’m exhausted.”
“I can’t keep doing this.”
“If I don’t make it serious, you won’t hear me.”
Sometimes leaving language is a protest.
It’s a way of saying:
“Do you see how serious this is to me?”
“I feel alone.”
“I feel trapped.”
“I don’t know how to get through to you.”
Other times, leaving language becomes a way to manage conflict by escalating it.
It ends the conversation. It shifts the power. It creates fear.
And when that happens repeatedly, it doesn’t create motivation—it creates emotional insecurity.
How This Pattern Quietly Forms
This imbalance often forms out of attachment and nervous system differences.
Different attachment needs
One partner is more sensitive to disconnection and fears abandonment. The other is more likely to shut down or detach under stress.
Trauma history
If one partner has a history of relational loss, betrayal, or instability, the threat of leaving can activate deep survival fear.
Chronic unresolved conflict
If conflicts never feel repaired, one partner may start using leaving language as a last resort.
Power through distance
In some relationships, the partner who can detach more easily holds more power. They may not even realize it—until they see the other partner shrinking.
The result is an emotional hierarchy:
One partner becomes the stabilizer.
The other becomes the destabilizer.
And that is not a safe foundation for love.
The Hidden Cost to the Relationship
This dynamic slowly erodes the sense of safety that intimacy requires.
The partner who fears loss often experiences:
Anxiety
Self-doubt
Hypervigilance
Shame
A shrinking sense of self
The partner who threatens leaving often experiences:
Hopelessness
Emotional distance
Less empathy
Less investment
A sense of superiority or detachment (even if unintentional)
The relationship becomes less honest.
The “loss-fearer” becomes careful.
The “leaver” becomes more distant.
And the couple stops functioning as teammates.
Because a relationship cannot thrive when one person is always proving they’re worth staying for.
What a Healthier Balance Looks Like
In a healthier relationship, commitment is not used as leverage.
Instead:
Both partners can bring up problems without threatening the bond.
Conflict can happen without fear of abandonment.
Repair becomes more important than winning.
Boundaries and needs are discussed directly—not through ultimatums.
Both partners learn to self-regulate before escalating.
This doesn’t mean no one ever thinks about leaving. Many couples have moments of despair.
The difference is this:
Leaving is not used as a weapon.
Instead, the couple learns how to say:
“I’m scared about where we’re headed.”
“I need us to take this seriously.”
“I need change, and I want to work on it.”
“I need a pause, and I’m coming back to this conversation.”
That kind of language builds safety instead of fear.
Gentle Reflection Questions
You might consider:
Does conflict in our relationship ever feel like a threat to the bond?
Do either of us use leaving language when we feel overwhelmed?
Do I shrink or over-apologize because I’m afraid of losing us?
What would it look like to express seriousness without threatening abandonment?
What does safety and commitment need to look like for both of us?
These questions aren’t meant to shame either partner.
They’re meant to help you name the dynamic honestly.
Change Is Possible
This pattern can be changed, and the change is often deeply relieving for both partners.
When couples learn to:
Reduce leaving language and escalation
Increase emotional regulation
Build stronger repair conversations
Create clear boundaries and commitments
…relationships often become calmer and more secure.
The partner who fears loss begins to breathe again.
The partner who threatens leaving begins to feel heard without needing fear to create urgency.
And the relationship begins to feel like a place of partnership again—not instability.
If You’re Ready for a More Balanced Partnership
If one of you feels like you’re always trying to keep the relationship from falling apart, or if leaving language has become part of your conflict cycle, you don’t have to navigate that alone.
In couples therapy, we help partners strengthen emotional safety, reduce escalation, and build the kind of repair and commitment that makes the relationship feel secure again.
If you’re ready to move toward a more balanced, connected partnership, you can learn more about our approach to Couples Therapy at Insights Counseling Center or schedule a consultation.