Holding On vs. Lashing Out: How Attachment Shapes Impulse

Part 5 of 10 in the “Managing Impulsivity” Series

In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we don’t just look at what couples fight about—we look at what’s underneath the fight. The fear. The longing. The places where protest gets louder because vulnerability feels too risky.

And when partners feel disconnected or unsafe in the relationship, impulsivity often becomes the messenger.

• One partner may lash out with criticism or accusation

• The other may shut down or walk away without a word

• The conversation flips from What happened? to How could you? before either person realizes it

These are impulsive reactions, yes. But they’re not random. They’re shaped by attachment—and they make sense when we understand what the heart is trying to do.

When Impulse Is a Protest

Many couples in distress fall into the pursue–withdraw cycle:

• One reaches through protest: “You never listen! You don’t care about me!”

• The other protects through retreat: “I can’t do anything right. I’m done talking.”

Both moves are impulsive. Both are protective. Both are rooted in fear.

And here’s what’s really happening underneath:

• I’m scared I don’t matter to you.

• If I let you see how much I need you, you might leave or shut down.

• I don’t know how to reach for you without getting hurt.

When you’re in this space, the impulse isn’t just to react. It’s to survive.

But healing comes not through the strongest reaction—but through the bravest pause.

“When we’re reactive, we protect.
When we slow down, we connect.”

Slowing the Cycle Starts with Softening

In EFT, we help couples identify the reactive cycle they’re caught in—and learn to slow it down with awareness and emotional honesty.

It might sound like:

• “When you walk away, I panic. I know I get loud, but underneath, I’m scared you’re gone.”

• “When you get angry, I feel like I’ll never be good enough. So I shut down before you can confirm it.”

• “I want to be close to you, but I don’t know how to say that without sounding needy.”

These are not impulsive statements. These are intentional reaches—and they create the space for a new kind of response.

Why Slowing Down Matters

When we’re reactive, we say the thing that will protect us.
When we’re regulated, we say the thing that will connect us.

That’s why learning to slow down is one of the most powerful steps in EFT. It’s how we begin to:

• Interrupt the cycle instead of fuel it

• Reach with vulnerability instead of blame

• Stay present instead of withdrawing

• Ask for reassurance instead of punishing distance

Stabilizing your reactions is how you reclaim your direction.
And in relationships, that direction is almost always toward safety, toward closeness, toward knowing that you matter.

Let the Reach Be the Repair

Impulsivity says, Push. Protect. Retreat.
But repair says, Pause. Reach. Respond.

That shift isn’t easy. It’s not always natural. But it is possible. And with the structure of Emotionally Focused Therapy, couples learn to stay in the discomfort of softening long enough to experience something new—something healing.

If you and your partner feel stuck in a reactive cycle, our EFT-trained therapists can help you name the patterns and create space for emotional safety, even in moments of distress. Schedule a session today to begin the process of change.