Part 4 of 10 in the “Managing Impulsivity” Series

In the middle of a heated argument, have you ever felt your heart pounding, your chest tightening, and your mind racing so fast that you couldn’t hear anything your partner was saying?

That’s not you being dramatic. That’s flooding—and it’s one of the most overlooked contributors to impulsive conflict in relationships.

In Gottman Method Couples Therapy, flooding refers to Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA)—a full-body stress response that hijacks your ability to think clearly, communicate kindly, or stay grounded in your values.

When you’re flooded, impulsivity takes over. You may:

Say things you don’t mean
Shut down and go silent
Criticize or lash out
Escalate conflict because you can’t find your way out

The solution? You don’t power through. You pause.

Flooding Is a Nervous System Event

Most people try to think their way out of conflict, but flooding is a physiological state. When your heart rate crosses 100 BPM (often higher for men), your body switches from collaboration mode to survival mode.

You can’t reason. You can’t empathize. You can’t even listen well.

That’s why one of the most important skills we teach couples is how to recognize the signs of flooding early—and take a structured break before damage is done.

The Repair Begins with the Pause

Pausing isn’t giving up. It’s making space for repair to be possible. And it only works when both partners:

Recognize the need for it
Honor the break without continuing the fight in their heads
Come back, calm and prepared, to try again

Here’s what that might sound like:

“I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I need a break so I don’t say something I’ll regret.”
“I care about this conversation too much to keep going like this. Can we pause and return in 30 minutes?”
“I’m flooded. I need to get grounded before I can really hear you.”

This is a stabilizing skill—not a withdrawal.

Pause. Notice. Choose. That’s how change begins.

Self-Soothing in the Gottman Method

A break isn’t just time away—it’s time on purpose. The Gottman Method teaches couples to use this time to self-soothe and return to a more regulated state.

Self-soothing might include:

Taking a walk
Doing breathwork or paced breathing (like 4-7-8)
Listening to calming music
Using grounding techniques: five senses, hand-to-chest, etc.
Avoiding replaying the argument or planning your rebuttal

Once your heart rate comes down, your mind can come back online. That’s when repair becomes possible.

Practicing the Pause as a Couple

Creating a shared “pause plan” can reduce shame and prevent spiraling. Together, talk about:

How will you signal when you’re flooded?
How long is a typical break?
What will you each do during that time to self-soothe?
How will you come back together?

The Gottman “Aftermath of a Fight” exercise can guide this process, helping couples make meaning and find common ground after the pause.

Let the Pause Strengthen the Bond

Taking a break during conflict may not come naturally at first—but with practice, it becomes a powerful way to protect your relationship.

You’re not just avoiding a blow-up. You’re choosing to stay relational. Choosing to regulate. Choosing to care about how you come back together.

That’s what builds trust. That’s what builds safety. And that’s what keeps love steady—even when emotions run high.

If you and your partner are stuck in impulsive conflict cycles, our Gottman-trained therapists can help you build the skills and shared rituals that create lasting connection. Call today to get started.

When You’re Flooded: How to Pause Instead of Escalate