Turning Toward Bids: The Small Moves That Build Big Connection
Most people think that intimacy is built through grand gestures or deep conversations.
But research shows that the real foundation of connection happens in the smallest moments.
In the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy, we call these moments bids for connection—and how you respond to them can either strengthen or weaken your relationship over time.
What Is a Bid for Connection?
A bid is any attempt one partner makes to connect with the other.
Bids can be:
Verbal (“How was your day?”)
Physical (a touch on the arm)
Emotional (“I’m feeling overwhelmed.”)
Playful (a teasing joke or funny face)
They are invitations—small tests of emotional safety—asking:
"Are you there for me?"
"Will you turn toward me?"
Three Ways We Can Respond to a Bid
When a bid happens, you have three choices:
Turn Toward: Engage, respond, and connect (“Tell me more!”)
Turn Away: Ignore or miss the bid (silence, distraction)
Turn Against: Reject or respond with irritation (“Can’t you see I’m busy?”)
Turning Toward builds trust, intimacy, and emotional safety.
Turning Away or Turning Against—especially when repeated over time—creates emotional distance, loneliness, and resentment.
"Love isn’t built in grand gestures-
it’s built in the small moments of
turning toward each other."
What Is Enthusiastic Turning Toward?
Turning toward doesn’t have to be mechanical—it can be enthusiastic.
Enthusiastic Turning Toward means you don’t just respond to your partner’s bid—you delight in it. You lean in with warmth, energy, and a genuine desire to connect.
Examples of Enthusiastic Turning Toward:
Smiling, making eye contact, and engaging fully
Saying, "I’m so glad you told me that!" or "I love hearing about your day."
Showing physical affection like a hug or a playful touch
Offering validation, humor, or shared excitement
Enthusiastic responses multiply the impact of a single bid—and create powerful positive momentum in the relationship.
Why These Tiny Moments Matter
In Gottman’s research, couples who stayed together and thrived turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time.
Couples who eventually divorced? Only 33% of the time.
The difference wasn’t big dramatic problems—it was small missed moments.
Every time you turn toward your partner's bid (especially enthusiastically!), you're making a deposit in the emotional bank account of your relationship.
How to Practice Turning Toward (and Turn Enthusiastically!)
Here’s how to start:
Notice when your partner is reaching for you (even in subtle ways)
Pause—give them your attention, even briefly
Respond warmly—a smile, a kind word, a question
Go further—express appreciation, affection, or excitement when you can
Practice daily—the more you notice and respond, the more natural it becomes
Small moments of enthusiastic turning toward create a culture of appreciation, trust, and emotional safety over time.
Small Moments, Stronger Love
You don’t have to overhaul your entire relationship overnight.
Start by tuning into the small moments—and meeting them with joy.
Because when you turn toward your partner—especially with warmth and delight—you’re building a love that lasts.
Call today to schedule with one of our therapists trained in the Gottman Method!