Unsure If Divorce Is the Answer: What to Do When You're Caught in the Middle
There are moments in life when the questions are bigger than the answers. “Should we get a divorce?” is one of them.
Maybe the relationship isn’t working. But neither is walking away.
Maybe you’ve been hurt. But you still care.
Maybe you’ve grown apart. But there are still glimpses of what used to be.
This space—between staying and leaving—is incredibly painful. And if you're here, wondering what the next step should be, this post is for you.
The Trap of “Either/Or” Thinking
When you’re stuck in the middle, it’s easy to fall into black-and-white thinking: Either we stay married and it magically gets better… or we get divorced and finally find peace.
But most couples don’t live in those extremes. They live in the grey space between. The space where you can still have love and resentment. Hope and doubt. Exhaustion and a willingness to try, if only you knew how.
It’s okay to not know yet. There’s wisdom in pausing before you act.
"Not every question has a quick answer.
Some need space, silence,
and a safe place to sort through."
Signs You’re in the “Middle Space”
If any of the following sound familiar, you’re not alone:
You fantasize about leaving… but haven’t taken any steps.
You’re afraid divorce might hurt the kids—or that staying might hurt them more.
You and your partner still function as a team in some ways (parenting, finances, logistics), but emotionally, you feel miles apart.
You keep hoping something will shift, but you’re not sure how much longer you can hold on.
This is what being unsure looks like. Not broken. Not bad. Just stuck.
Divorce Doesn’t Solve Everything (But Neither Does Staying)
Here’s something we say often in discernment counseling: Divorce may end a marriage, but it doesn’t end a relationship—especially if you share children, finances, or a long history together. And staying in a disconnected marriage without real change can erode your wellbeing over time.
So how do you begin to sort through what’s best?
You slow down. You get clear. You reflect—not just react.
A Different Kind of Help
Most traditional couples therapy assumes that both partners are committed to making the relationship work. But if you're unsure whether you even want to stay, traditional therapy might feel frustrating—or even irrelevant.
That’s where discernment counseling comes in.
This short-term, specialized process is designed for couples where one or both partners are ambivalent about the future. The goal isn’t to fix the marriage. The goal is to help you decide whether to try.
Through guided conversations and individual reflection, you’ll explore:
How you got here
What’s been tried (and what hasn’t)
What it would take to heal
Whether there’s enough shared motivation to begin that work
At the end, you won’t have a magic answer—but you’ll likely have something better: a sense of direction.
When You Feel Like the Only One Trying
Sometimes one partner is leaning out while the other is leaning in. If that’s your position, it can feel lonely, terrifying, and infuriating all at once. You may feel pressure to convince, beg, or fix things singlehandedly.
Pause.
You can’t carry the weight of a marriage alone. But you can become clear on what’s healthy and life-giving for you, and what you’re willing to work toward. Clarity for yourself is the first step in any decision—no matter what your partner chooses.
What If You’re Afraid of Regret?
Almost everyone navigating this decision feels the pull of regret. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I stay and nothing changes? What if I leave and always wonder?
These questions are normal. In fact, they’re good questions. But they need space to be explored—not shoved aside under pressure.
Discernment counseling creates that space. No forced commitments. No rush to decide. Just real, honest reflection with professional support.
There’s No Shame in Not Knowing
If you’re unsure whether divorce is the answer, you’re not broken. You’re being careful. Thoughtful. Maybe even brave.
You don’t have to figure it all out today. But you don’t have to figure it out alone, either.
We’d be honored to walk with you as you sort through your next step—whatever it may be.